Welcome to the first #SwapACommie update. Before we delve into the subject matter of this article I would like to thank each and every one of you for your heartwarming support, words cannot express how grateful we are of all the countless messages we’ve received in just a couple of weeks; the #SwapACommie team is working hard day and night to bring forth our humble proposal that merely seeks to make The World a Better Place™
Without further ado, I am pleased and honored to bring you all a quick recap of the progress we’ve made in just a few weeks:
Naturally, the success of the #SwapACommie campaign is dependent on having enough candidates from both sides, namely, Venezuelan Capitalists and American Internet Communists.
Despite the fact that we do not count with the support of neither the American nor the Venezuelan Mainstream media, word spread fast among social media; before we knew it there were lines of hundreds and hundreds of people that wanted to apply for a spot in our program. We were severely understaffed and overwhelmed by the massive turnout of applicants, we had to scale things up, and fast if we wanted to keep up with the huge demand!
At first we felt a bit disheartened, “we can’t make them wait in line like this.” was our consensus; the Venezuelan team worked hard, from sunrise to sunset, registering and processing each and every single one of our fellow countrymen that wish to participated in #SwapACommie. It is thanks to our team’s hard labor that we managed to persevere and pull through, we recruited dozens more of hard working men and women that joined us in this enormous task.
To say that things were a success on the Venezuelan front would be a severe understatement.
However things didn’t go as planned on the American side…
“Not Real Socialism!”
“Look at these seven-year old stats! What? Of course I won’t show you recent stats, these are all the proof you need!”
“Look at this British man’s video! He proves that its not real Socialism™ even though he hasn’t ever set foot in Venezuela.”
The commies kept autistic screeching and refusing to be part of a movement that seeks to create a better tomorrow for mankind. In an ironic twist of fate, the side with access to the most resources and venues was the one with near-zero turnouts, while the side that has near-zero resources was the one with the massive turnout.
Needless to say, the American team’s morale hit rock bottom, disheartened and shocked that no commies showed up. We certainly expected them to fill our premises and sign up—I mean, they really want to live in a Socialist Utopia, and that’s exactly what we offer to them, we can fulfill their socialist dreams, all they gotta do is sign up. The success of #SwapACommie relies on both sides, if one side fails, the entire project collapses.
Things continued to look grim for all of our boys there, until…
The unlikely ally – Joined by a common purpose:
One Monday morning, the offices of the #SwapACommie American division received a call from Starbucks’ Corporate offices, they informed us that they had become aware that their products had inadvertently contributed to the rise of Western Internet Communism.
“Blood money” was one of the terms thrown in the call, they wish to make amends for the damaged they’ve caused to society. In that sense, they agreed to cooperate with us; after all, the Starbucks Reward program also happens to be the world’s most complete database of Internet Communists. (It makes sense when you think about it)
And thus, the #SwapACommie @ Starbucks alliance was formed. I have to say it, not even M. Night Shyamalan himself can come up with such a plot twist.
The American division of #SwapACommie has now access to the massive network of Starbucks franchises nationwide; before we knew it, we already had a sizable list of commie candidates for the program.
Even though Internet Commies are one of the biggest sources of income for Starbucks, they’ve decided to forego the earnings derived from that demographic, its a loss they’re willing to take for the betterment of humanity as a whole, and for that, we salute them.
And so, hundreds of Internet Commies are now entering Starbucks and leaving their premises with a Caramel Macchiato in one hand, and a #SwapACommie voucher in the other.
Here’s what some of our most distinguished participants have to say:
The next steps:
Our work is far from finished, the #SwapACommie team will continue to register new applicants whilst beginning the pre-selection process on both sides. We are aware that this long road will present new challenges in the future, but with our unshakable resolve and astounding team work, there is nothing in this world that can stop us.
We understand that some of these commies are more special and unique than others, which is why we’re preparing a special #SwapACommie VIP Package for them. As for what features and amenities will be included in the this VIP Package? Well, here’s a sneak peek:
As you can see, we’ve had some interesting first month here at #SwapACommie, our determination is as strong as ever. Soon, the dreams of all of these men and women will be accomplished, and thus the world shall be a better place.
On behalf of the #SwapACommie team, I would like to avail myself of this opportunity to once again thank you all for your support and to humbly request your help in continuing to spread the world.
(This article is a work of parody. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental)