I wasn’t given riches or much stuff as a kid beyond what my mom could — but there are two invaluable things that my mom, one of my uncles, and my grandmother passed down onto me that, without them, I wouldn’t be alive today: A set of morals to follow, and how to pray to God.
I’m not a paragon of virtue, and I’m far from being the most righteous man out there, nor will I be winning any Catholic of the Year award anytime soon, but I do try my best every day to live up to those morals and finish every day knowing that, despite my failures, self-loathing and shortcomings, I did right to others.
You do what’s right every day not because of the expectation of a greater reward in this earthly life or to accrue good boy points to cash in your way into Heaven, so to speak. You do it because you must, because that’s what men are supposed to do, and because it’s a way to make things better for the people you care about, little by little. That is one of the things that I believe and hold true in my heart.
Sure, I can be an asshole online, or a complete dick when tanking or healing on MMOs, but I don’t have that malice that I’ve seen so many others wield throughout my life to drag people down, lie, cheat, or steal in their misbegotten pursuit of richness and comfort.
Still, there have been times when living by those morals has bitten me in the ass. There have been times when doing the right thing has screwed me over more often than I’d like to admit, to the point that it’s made me question so much. It is that ever-growing list of moments that have, at times, not just humbled me down, but pushed me down to a negative mental spiral in which I stumble and question what was the point of doing the right thing. That’s where prayer comes into play, because without it I’d fall into the abyss for sure.
See, here’s the thing. I’m a very dualistic individual, always dancing in the edge between order and chaos, but at the end of the day I try my best to be a good man, an incomplete one that doesn’t have a spot of my own in the grand scheme of things yet. I try my best, but my best doesn’t seem to amount to much more often than not.
A few months ago I wrote a personal entry in which I detailed how my mom’s family was divided in two camps: Those that valued hard work and being a good person, and those that valued instant gratification and cutthroat tactics towards “success,” even if that meant lying, stealing, cheating, and committing other things that would go against the selfsame Christian faith they remind you every day that they profess.
That’s one point on which the moral dilemma that has, at times, annoyed my head manifests: It’s not that I don’t believe in doing the right thing anymore, it’s just that, when it comes to my family, I don’t have a frame of reference in which doing the right thing has led to a happy ending. And if I look for references beyond my family well, every person that I know that has been a complete piece of shit throughout their lives has enjoyed life more than me.
My mom and uncle, the two out of six siblings that abided the fullest to doing the right thing every day, were rewarded by life with a rare sarcoma that killed them. The relatives that physically and verbally abused my cousin for years were rewarded with circumstances that led to them entering the United States to live their twisted version of the American Dream. My dad, the man who had more extramarital affairs than there are PlayStation 5 games, has so far lived a far better life than the one my mom had to go through.
They all sure spend a lot of time publishing daily prayers and Catholic images through WhatsApp, but if you look at their past actions… that’s not something I’d call even remotely Christian-like.
I’m very self-aware that I’m a flawed person, and a remarkably flawed Christian while at it (and I don’t say tht just because that happens to be my first name). I only know how to pray basic stuff, and I could not give you a textual quote of a Bible passage right now even if my life depended on it.
Heck, as part as Catholic rites go, I have Confirmation on the backlog for over 20 years now — not because I don’t want to, but because the person that was supposed to be my Confirmation Godfather (or sponsor) happened to be my uncle, who died in 2004, and I, in my solitary recluse life, haven’t had the opportunity to meet someone whom I can entrust that most significant and meaningful position to.
Now, having said that, I know I’ve sinned a lot in my life, but comparatively speaking to my family, what I’ve done is a grain of sand in their desert — and yet, life has rewarded them the most.
There are so many instances in which I could’ve stand to benefit greatly from being an asshole, but I didn’t. One such case happened a few weeks after my mom died. A friend of her managed to secure expensive chemo pills that somehow made it into the country from Spain. It wasn’t the chemo she needed (which thanks to the socialist regime’s bullshit became impossible to find), but it was the last desperate hail mary left at our disposal. It was too late, regardless.
Now I could’ve taken the dickass approach and sell those bottles, get myself about $8,000 total by tapping on the desperation of others. I could’ve made it out like a king and perhaps smuggle me and my brother out of the country with that money, but I wouldn’t had been able to live with myself if I had done that. In the end, I arranged with that same doctor to give them to a man who needed them because it was the right treatment for his cancer. Whether it worked or not, I don’t know, but at least I did what was right.
You have no idea the amount of “business opportunities” people slid into my DMs with between 2018 and the start of the pandemic in 2020. People who wanted me to shill their stuff for a cut even if the things were disreputable and sought to capitalize of the despair and needs of Venezuelans. And that’s why I never agreed to any of that stuff.
Same with my brother. I could never find a legal solution that could allow me to bring him with me, so I had to ditch several prospective migration plans/foreign work opportunities because there was no way to take him with me. I could’ve left him alone and get myself into Canada, the U.K. or one of those countries that those failed plans called for, but I wouldn’t had been able to live with myself, not after I made that promise to my mom.
Ultimately life did reward us both by me being able to solve my dad’s bureaucratic neglect and get Italian citizenship, but I wouldn’t had been in a position if he had done the paperwork in due time, which in turn it could’ve perhaps allowed me to get my mom into Europe for treatment… anyways, I could go on, and on, and on all day with more examples.
All that (and more) has made me question so much, but doing the right thing is what I believe in. What I’m trying to say is that yeah, life won’t automatically reward you for doing the right thing, and people who are complete pieces of shit do seem to get the better end of the stick no matter how big of a piece of shit they are, but it is what you gotta do.
Hold onto your morals, especially in these trying times we are living in. Do what you think it’s right, fight for what your think it’s a just cause, believe in what you believe is right, but be true to your convictions.
Helping others is one of the few things I seem to be able to do in some capacity, and I don’t do it expecting a reward in this life or the next. Not having that foul guilt upon your conscience is something you can’t put a price on.
