The weight of it all

This past month has been quite taxing for me, both physically and mentally.

From bureaucracy, depression, a little bit of anxiety with regards to the whole panorama, some personal regrets of my own, other personal life stuff, to the ever-growing hyperinflation and ongoing Venezuelan disaster, among other things, it’s all amounted to some pretty restless nights, with this past week being one of the worst when it comes with insomnia.

I’ve always had trouble sleeping, it started in 2003 or so, but it’s always been there, and it’s been manageable for the most part, aside from that brief period during college when I was only getting two hours of sleep per day; but with all that’s happened over the past years—specially these past months, it just has grown out of control, and I’ve hard trouble dealing with it.

To make matters worse, when I do manage to fall asleep its only for a couple hours at best, and I wake up with a weird mix of pain and pressure on the back of my neck/base of the skull for some reason, it does start to go away after I wake up and sit or stand (and after painkiller or two), but it can take hours before it fully does, and it makes me feel disoriented for a couple hours; I have no idea what’s causing it, if its stress related or if its something else.

Nonetheless, I haven’t let this stop me in my efforts to set things in order and most importantly: to escape this country with my brother so he can have a future.

Following my mother’s passing, I’ve had to arrange a series of documents, as death doesn’t free you from bureaucracy. The bureaucracy in this country is definitely something else, from tax stuff to things of varied nature, slow but steady progress on this regard. 

I submitted my brother’s disability forms, but imagine my surprise when I arrive at the place and the staff is protesting because their wages amount to nothing; they’ve then asked me for an additional medical report, which I should be getting in the next couple of days.

As for our escape plan, the one thing that takes the large bulk of my worries. I’ve continued my efforts to figure out an escape plan for my brother and I, while we do now have the money for plane tickets we’re missing the two most crucial pieces: A destination, and the corresponding Visas, which is what I’ve been asking for help over the past month.

It’s a matter of finding a solid destination, how to get the visas to enter—and the procedure for asylum should it come to that.

Perhaps it’s this aura of uncertainty towards the future that’s wearing me down, I not just have to think for myself, but for my brother as well, everything I do its for him first and foremost, he can’t fend for himself due to his condition, and its my responsibility to make sure that he has a future and that he finds happiness in this life—I promised my mother that I would do it.

Perhaps the weight of it all is was has worn me down a little throughout May; perhaps it’s the stress and burdens of the mind that are manifesting physically, perhaps I do need a little respite and improve my mental health a little, but there is so much to do still.

Neither my brother or I haven’t been able to get a break, 2000 and onward have been a nonstop series of events piled on top of each other for the two of us, constant changes and a chaotic instability have been the norm, our last vacation was around eighteen years ago, I don’t even know what’s a vacation anymore.

But I can’t give up, I gotta keep going for the two of us, there’s so much to do, and time is of the essence.